He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize