Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry niggaaaaaaaaaa hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.

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(812): View more from Indiana

An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.

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(817): View more from Texas

Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair

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