The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
