i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
