Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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