Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
