The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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