theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can I color on your dick again?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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