what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
