Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
