Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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