yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
