this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
