I've blown a few things in my day
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
