kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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