Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I got inside last night via doggy door
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Bring me that man meat
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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