I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
