apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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