Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm both gender and math confused
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
