So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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