I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
