eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
