I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
