If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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