Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
