Tell her she can't have a vagina
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
