Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
