True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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