I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
