Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
