apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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