I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
