There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
