my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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