i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
