I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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