I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
