Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
