I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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