my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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