he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
