guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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