Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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