why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
