A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
