Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We have started to decorate penises.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
