I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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