My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
