you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
