its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
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Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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