Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
