So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
