Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
