I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
