His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
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I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
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She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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