apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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