god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
